|
Kay Lyn Carlson
At 17, while I was allowing the abortionist to take the life of my baby,
I had no idea
that 10 years later I would be pleading to God to allow death to breathe
over me and take my life because I did not want to live with the anguish
of my abortion any longer. “Let me die” I cried.
Over 25 years ago, while I myself was still much a child,
I had no idea
that later in life I would love the child I lost and how desperately I
would want to be his mother. My arms are empty and a part of my soul
remains barren.
I had no idea
how much I would grieve over the death of my baby.
When the results of the pregnancy test confirmed I was pregnant, I was
terrified. Terrified to tell my parents, terrified of what my future would
hold. I was in crisis. Unfortunately, it was easier for me to go through
an abortion procedure than it was to tell my parents I was pregnant. I was
scared, alone and making a life-changing decision on my own and I believed
that abortion was my only option.
On the day of my abortion I sat among 15,or so, girls dressed in white
waiting for our names to be called. Every few minutes the attendant would
call another name, another girl. I remember crying, shaking, and rocking
back and forth not wanting to be there but
knew
I had to be.
Once the procedure began, the women standing at my beside tried to comfort
me by saying “Don’t worry dear, everything’s going to be fine. This is a
simple, safe, easy procedure. It will be all over soon and you can go home
and never have to think about it again. And, your parents will never have
to know.”
After the procedure, we were all given a pill of some sort to take and a
release form to fill out before we left. My hands were shaking profusely
from the
traumatic event
that I spilt water all over myself, struggled to get the pill in my mouth,
and then my pen wildly shook in my hands while filling out the requested
paperwork.
I left that day remembering what they had told me -
never have to think about it again -
and for the next several years I tucked this
ENORMOUS
secret and tried consistently to forget about it.
Eight years later, I was shown an ultrasound of my second child. Seeing
the
truth
on the screen my world plummeted. This was NOT a blob of tissue, cluster
of cells, or a product of conception as I was told at the abortion
facility -
it was a tiny little baby fully formed!
The nurse asked me if I was okay and I lied and said “Yes” while inside I
wanted to run away from myself for what I had done.
Shortly after Emily was born, I started to have nightmares. I dreamt her
body was dismembered and put into old medicine jars setting on a shelf in
an old mad scientists’ lab - her head in one, leg in another. Another
vivid dream involved Emily and I holding on for dear life on a bridge,
raging water underneath us. A man dressed in black stood on the bridge and
could save only one of us. He reached his hand to mine, and I took it,
knowing Emily would die. I watched her plunge into the waves screaming
“MOMMY, mommy, mo….” until she was no more.
There are more nightmares and other symptoms associated with PTSD that I
have experienced along with, depression, anxiety , self-loathing and
self-hatred that went on for many years. And in my despair, I couldn’t
handle the pain any longer and I cried out for relief.
After I received the help I needed I made it my life’s passion to work in
the post-abortive field. In June of 2007, we opened the first of its kind,
a professional
Abortion Recovery Center
- ARC in Topeka, Kansas.
Millions of woman and men suffer silently as I did for many years. It is
time that those hurt by abortion in one way or another courageously step
out from hiding and choose to begin to heal. Sadly, there are too many
people who don’t want to be forgiven and believe that punishing themselves
is the right thing to do. True freedom and restoration from an abortion
can be achieved.
Olivia Gans from NRTL said is best when she said “It
is time we start remembering our abortions rather than trying to forget
them.”
I couldn’t agree more. Abortion not only can cause physical damage but
also psychological, social and spiritual impairment as well. By dealing
with the past we can move forward to a life full of joy, peace and
serenity.
|
